Lights, Camera, Crying?
When taking the stage can be both delightful and frightful for kids
‘Tis the season for recitals, nativity plays, holiday sing-alongs, and many other opportunities for your little one to be delightful and oh-so frightful.
Imagine your kid who was so excited, so well rehearsed, suddenly freezing once you enter the auditorium. There are way more people here than she’s used to. This must be a massive deal if my grandparents are here. There’s someone’s baby brother, and they are crying, and oh man, it is so loud in here! No, thank you, I’d rather not.
But wait, you were so excited! I was so excited! What is happening?
The short answer? A lot.
It’s easy to forget how much new and sometimes scary stuff our preschoolers experience. They’ve finally gotten this school routine down, but now we’re all in a big room, and more people are here than usual.
“A salad would be nice!” was my son’s line at the Thanksgiving play. The irony of Mr. I’ll Just Have Dessert, Thank You Very Much delivering such a message is not lost on me. While on this occasion, he belted out his line loud and proud, this same 4-year-old had a complete and total “never going to happen” stance at his end-of-year ceremony just five months earlier. He would not wear the suggested beach attire or sing that one shark song he’d been practicing for over a month. In fact, he would not even join his class on stage. Hard pass, Mommy.
So what did I do back in June? First, I tried to get the shirt on him while he was distracted (fail). Next, I offered to sit with him on stage (double fail). Last, I was disappointed, and he knew it (triple fail).
As with everything, setting expectations is key for both your child AND you. Your kid may be the show’s star or the next viral sensation as she adds her own dance moves to “Jingle Bells”. However, other options include but are not limited to:
Picking his nose for all to see
Staring blankly ahead even though she definitely knows the words to the songs
Flat out refusing to get on stage
Getting on stage but bursting into tears after the first applause
Now with YOUR expectations in check, let’s help set the expectations for your budding performer through the lens of 3 questions they will have and ways for you to discuss the answers together:
What will the Performance Look and Sound Like?
Some things to consider when discussing this with your child:
Where will she be before and during the performance? Where will you and/or other family members be?
Neither of these needs to be exact answers; just establish the general understanding that your child will be on a stage of some sort. At the same time, you may be sitting away from them with the other families. Again, this is merely to establish loose expectations and bring familiarity to an unfamiliar scenario.
This is also a perfect time to explain that we will never know precisely how something will happen. That may feel uncomfortable or scary to your child(ren), and that’s okay. Getting comfortable with the unknown is part of being a human. This is when we can talk about ways to cope when things are new and unfamiliar.
I’m not sure exactly where you will be standing or where I will be sitting, but I know that both of us will be safe and so excited to see each other. I’m going to look for you from my seat; will you look for me, too? Let’s give a thumbs-up when we find each other!
How many people will be there?
Try to recall a similar experience for them since saying “50 audience members” will likely mean very little to your preschooler.
Do you remember when we went to your big sister’s band performance? It will be just like that, but you will be on stage this time!
What do you think will happen when each song/performance is over?
Clapping can feel very loud and even alarming to a child. So, practice cheering and remind her that if it’s too loud, she can cover her ears, take a deep breath, put her hand on her heart, and look for you to remember she is safe.
Let’s talk about what we can do if the loud noises feel scary. What if you show me you have a big feeling by putting your hand on your heart? I’ll be watching you, so I will put my hand on my heart to show you I’m here, you’re safe, and I love you.
What will happen when it’s all over?
If the performance occurs during the school day and your child is expected to return to class afterward, prepare them for that. Oftentimes, children will make it through the program swimmingly, only to have their meltdown once all their favorite people suddenly leave again, particularly if their grandparents or other special loved ones are in attendance. It’s often best if you can walk them back down to class and drop them off or recreate whatever your daily routine is in order to signal to them that school will now carry on like normal.
What Feelings Might I Feel Before, During and After?
This is an “all feelings are for feeling” reminder. Naming feelings is one of the most powerful ways to lessen their impact. You can also talk about a time when you were nervous, excited, or both! Share ideas (like putting a hand on your heart, as explained above) for letting those feelings exist but not control. Nervousness doesn’t become a shame-inducing experience but rather a normal and expected sensation in their bodies. Oh, I’m feeling nervous, just like we talked about. I remember what to do.
What if I Just Don’t Want to Perform?
After doing all the above, your child still doesn’t want to participate. He’s beyond nervous; he’s scared or just flat-out refuses. So here's the best thing to do: let him not participate.
Once it’s showtime, the grown-ups have done all they can. If your darling son tells you he will not go on stage, the only response is your own version of, “No? You feel more like being a part of the audience and cheering on your classmates today? Okay then, would you like your own seat or to sit on my lap? Let me know if you change your mind.”
The most important thing is to reassure your kid that you love them as a performer and an audience member, no matter their feelings towards either role. At no point in your child’s adult life will they be forced to perform on stage. However, children are “forced” to do many things: eat and go to bed at certain times, and attend school, where, you guessed it, even more things are out of their control. This is not admonishing the natural order of parenting and creating structure around your child’s routine. Ensuring your child is well-fed, well-rested, and safe is our main job as parents. When these necessities are met with pushback from the kid who abhors bedtime, thinks candy corn is a vegetable, and sees living room furniture as something to be scaled, boundaries must be held. So let’s cut them some slack when we can.
You may be disappointed, and that’s okay. You may be embarrassed. My parents came all this way just to watch her sing! That’s okay, too. Try to remember when you were also terrified and how snuggling in your mom or dad’s lap was all the comfort and courage you needed to feel safe and secure.
And that’s all this boils down to. A safe, secure kid will eventually try new, scary things. The best way to grow their confidence is to be a constant source of support no matter where they sit during the Winter pageant.
Resources We Love
The tips outlined in this post are based on advice from some of our favorite parenting experts including:
About the Author
Katie Barbieri is a former educator with a Masters degree in Education. She has four children of her own, including two current preschoolers. She loves learning and talking about parenting, community, and, quite frankly, nearly everything else under the sun.
